Still Single….

So as everyone knows I am the most single person in the world. End of Story. 

My feelings on this…..50/50.   Half of the time I love it, and can’t even picture myself being in a relationship.  The other half- I hate it and think I should just convince myself I should love the next man who walks past me because I am sick of being single.  So here are some pros and cons I have found about the current situation. 

Friday and Saturday Nights:

The best part about being single on these nights would be I get to do whatever I want, without thinking about anyone else!  I get to be selfish!  I do normally send out the “What r u doing tonight” text to all my best gals, but I don’t have to take anyone else into consideration.  It’s awesome!  The worst part is….waiting on them to respond with their plans.  I really don’t know the last time I’ve stayed home on a weekend night, but sometimes when there’s not much going on in this crazy town…it does get annoying.  Nothing I can’t handle though! 

Drinking:

I can go to the bar and hang out with whoever I want and order whatever I want to drink.  And a good portion of the time, I can find someone else to pay for it.  I do buy my fair share of rounds/shots…so don’t get your panties in a twist.  Also I don’t have to worry about pissing off my boyfriend by dancing/drinking with any random guy.   The only thing I need to worry about is playing booty call roulette with my phone after I realize I’m literally the only single girl left in the bar.  At some point this jibberish gets sent to the first  5 guys that come to my mind (those lucky guys!)  “Heeeeey!!!  Whare yat?!?!”   or “What r u dooooing?!?!?”   or my personal favorite “Hey…”.   And most of the time I just send them because I’m drunk and bored…I don’t even have any intention of seeing them or even texting with them for a long amount of time.   So its acceptable.  

Holidays:

I have a love-hate relationship with going through any holiday single.  I love it, because I don’t have to worry about gifts…we all know I’m waaaay to broke for that shit.   However, it does get super annoying at every family holiday I have to explain to every single person I come into contact with (if I’m lucky I do a good enough job hiding in a corner somewhere looking mean) that “Nope, I’m not dating anyone….yep still single…”  Or sometimes when someone asks “So wheres your boyfriend today?”  I just flat out lie and respond “Which one?”  Give them a blank stare and walk away.  

Weddings:

This is one event that can just be really awkward for single people.   Either you can bring a date (obviously not a boyfriend…just a boy.friend.), go stag (just preparing for the rest of your lonely miserable life), be a 3^rd or 5^th wheel (should be used to this one already), or try to become bff with some other single, lonely, miserable girl/group of girls who are also attending.   All of these options are annoying…the best thing you can hope for is Open Bar.  If you bring a date, who is a boy, you are responsible for him…unless he is also friends with the bride/groom…in that case you all just rode together.  But if he really is your “friend date”  you have to make sure he is not moping in a corner looking like he hates his life, or drunkenly hitting on all the bridesmaids.   If you go alone (really your best option)  you have to awkwardly find a place to sit and hope you can find some friends who are already there so its not SO obvious you came alone.  This does give you the chance to get as drunk as you want and do what you want.  If you go as a 3^rd or 5^th wheel….well good luck.  That’s just kind of dumb…I have done it several times and it always seems like a good time until the end of the night when you’re stuck alone…with a couple who is in love.    If you go with your Bffs….one of you will get waaaaay to drunk and piss the rest off, one will be trying to hook up with the same guy as you, and one will be pouty because she is clearly going home alone…once again (I usually fall into that category).

So you probably wonder if I enjoy being single or if I hate it.  And honestly I don’t even know how to answer that.  I have basically been single for ever (minus a few random college guys I dated on and off) and its whatever.  I am almost 25.  I go through phases….I will be obsessed with getting a boyfriend for a while, and then I just shut it off and I’m obsessed with being a strong/independent/single woman.  But then I realize I’m not strong or independent…just single.  It’s a never ending cycle.   OVER IT.

Anyway….Here are some pics of me being SINGLE AND LOVING IT!!

                                                    Senior Wills 2011

Girls Trip to the Winery 2012

Prohibition Social 2012

24^th Birthday

Love, Lauren

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BACK ON TRACK!!!

Welp, its been a little while since I last “blogged”.  I guess no one noticed because I haven’t gotten any concerned fan mail…..THANKS PEOPLE!    Well, I am going to try and start blogging at least once a week, because I wanna be famous for something, and I sure can’t sing or dance…so writing about my crazy life seems to be the best way. 

Just  in case anyone was wondering where I have been since Christmas (roughly the time of my last post…)  I have been really busy doing the whole Pure Romance Thing, which is doing awesome btw!  I have been subbing, applying for jobs, Nanning, going to class, and of course Facebooking.  Obviously I haven’t had time to do much blogging.  But, don’t ya worry because I have a good idea for my next blog…coming sometime this week! 

:D  Love Always,

Lauren

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The Perfect Christmas

When society thinks of the perfect Christmas, they usually think of freshly fallen snow, the house smelling like a bakery, family and friends gathering peacefully, and everything just falling into place for a perfect holiday season.  Well, if anyone has actually had this kind of “Perfect Christmas”-they are a rare breed of human.  My Christmas season has not been “perfect”, but it has been pretty damn close! 

Normally I go out Black Friday shopping, or as it is now “Black Thanksgiving Night Shopping”-which I absolutely hate that Americans ACTUALLY went out and supported this stupid new tradition, it’s called Thanksgiving…Be Thankful for what you have, and spend time with your family!!!  I would think stores could wait a few more hours before opening their doors.-Anyway while I’m shopping, I usually purchase a lot for myself, and little or nothing for anyone else.  Definitely not a good start to the holiday spirit! 

The weekend after Turkey Day my family usually puts up our Christmas Tree and decorate the house with other lovely decorations.   This usually consists of the kids decorating the tree with our ten thousand ornaments and then mom goes through and “improves the look”.  Basically she moves all the ornaments around so all the hard work her three children just completed, is erased, forever.  Anywhere between 3 -9 ornaments get broken during this process, and it never fails that somewhere between the box and the tree -some lights stop working and we have to redo the whole thing!  It always looks good in the end though! 

Somewhere around the 15^th of December, I realize how close Christmas really is and decide it’s time to get in the Christmas Mood.  I turn on ABC Family and hope their “25 Days of Christmas” has a movie I actually like such as “Polar Express”, “Christmas Vacation”, “Elf” or a few others and hope it’s not the “Disney/Pixar Short Films” or something like that….that puts me in a confused mood vs. the Christmas mood…because since when does ABC Fam. Play Disney/Pixar stuff….seems a little crazy to me.  Any way I watch a Movie and eventually start forcing myself to listen to Christmas Music.  I go shopping (normally never purchase any presents until about December 23) and look at Christmas Lights on random houses in random places.

On December 23 every year I have a panic attack.  I realize I have purchased no gifts yet, have not baked any cookies, have not done any Christmas Caroling (everyone is thankful for that one), and have not even thought about wrapping gifts yet.  So in a Frenzy I go purchase everyone’s gifts…usually everyone gets a gift card, or I make it really easy and just give cash because I am the worst gift giver in the world!  I rush home to start baking cookies and help make appetizers for the family get together on Christmas Eve.  My cookies never, EVER turn out how they are supposed to.  I end up scraping the cookies off the pan using a LOT of elbow grease because the cookies are black and stuck to the cookie sheet.  I have no idea why this happens, because even though it’s hard to believe-I’m actually a really good cook.  I guess it’s the simple things….like cookies…that I can’t cook!  Throw a 4-course meal at me and BAM!  Delicious…cookies, nope, can’t do it!    By this time of the night, I’m too tired to even carry the gifts(aka gift cards in my purse) in from my car and decide I’m going to wait to wrap presents the next morning and normally start drinking some….ok a lot. 

By the time I wake up on Christmas Eve I have little to no time to shower, cake on my makeup, do my hair, wrap presents, cook food, and start drinking with enough time to get a slight buzz on before family comes over.  Somehow, it all works out and Family comes over and before we know it…we are down six bottles of wine, and $5 worth of quarters!  My family does a “rob your neighbor” game instead of exchanging gifts.  Some of the better gifts that were robbed this year were a back scratcher, deck of cards, soap, batteries, and a coffee mug.  I received none of the above, but instead ended up with cheap lip gloss, shoe polish, Hershey kisses and a Tweety Bird wash cloth.  AWESOME!  But nothing beats the “Gag Gift” I was the winner of at the other family Christmas….A Framed Holiday Picture of My Cousin and His Cat!  Next to my uncle getting the movie “BrokeBack Mountain”,  I got the best gift of Christmas! 

Christmas with my friends and family may never be perfect, but it’s always interesting!  One year the cops even showed up…Twice!  I wouldn't trade my family or how we spend the holidays for anything!

I hope your Christmas is just as fantastic as mine always is!  Even if you don’t celebrate Christmas, I’m fairly certain you celebrate something so here’s to you!!!

Love,  Lauren J

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 Sisters (Erin, Jenny), Mom (Sharon), Me, Grandma (Doris), Uncle (Robert) 

2012

Things I hate

This might be a surprise to you, because it for sure was to me, but I have actually had people WANTING me to do a new blog.  And between all the Facebooking, Pinteresting  and Other Random Internet BS I just haven't found the time.  I've been in a pretty bad mood all week for various reasons so this post is all the things I hate....If I mention you in this post (while no names are used), don't take offense...just change your ways to please me...pretty simple!  

1. Antlers, Tails or any other objects used to make vehicles look like an animal:  Seriously people, I get that you are a fan of Christmas, but really putting antlers on your window/doors of your vehicle does not make you look any cooler than your mini van already is lookin!  For one thing, you do not look like Santa's sleigh...if thats even the look you were going for, shit, I don't know.  Because in case you have never seen The Man In Red crusin through the sky...its the Reindeer that actually have the Antlers...and your vehicle in no way even resembles Rudolph  so just STOP! Thankfully the antlers only last about a month!  I'm probably gonna beat up for this, but there is (almost) nothing I hate more than when I'm driving down Hwy  70 and see little tiger tails hanging out of peoples trunks.  Seriously,  its disgusting!  I am a fan of Mizzou, as well as many other sports teams, such as the STL Cards...but you don't see me with a beak on my hood and red doors on my car now do ya?!  Didn't think so!  It's called a decal, or even a decorated license plate holder!  Having a tail sticking out your trunk is like getting a Tramp Stamp...doesn't do anything for anyone expect for piss the person off who is riding in the rear.....

2. Body Hair:  Well ok, it's more getting rid of it that I hate...Like, seriously, who ever thought "oh this hair on my leg, I'm over it...I want it out of my life" Whoever that was, I want to meet her and punch her!  And since I was blessed with dark hair, there is no skipping a day because even if its just starting to come back you can STILL see it!  Shaving takes way too long and waxing hurts!  There is no win! When I was in college, I lived in this apartment and had a bathroom that was like the size of a handicapped stall, so the shower was about a 4th of that!  I literally had to learn how be a contortionist just to shave below the knee.  Every time I showered my roomies would knock on my door to ask if I was ok, because everything that was in the shower would end up falling, because I would try to hold on to non-stationary things for balance like shampoo, the faucet, the door.  I would scream and just start throwing all my shower supplies out of the shower because it was so ridiculous ... SERIOUSLY  WHO builds a shower with NO ledge...must of been a man!  

3. Men with No Body Hair:  Way to make me feel like shit!  Now, I'm not saying I want to date a man who resembles chewbacca, but he has to be kinda close.  I dated (if thats what you wanna call it)  a guy one time who had eyebrows, and hair on his head...thats about it.  He just "didn't like hair".    I shoulda known this wasn't going to work!  He shaved his legs and arms every day.  It was weird as shit!  He was smoother than anyone I had ever met...including babies.  He was really good looking and could drink more than I could, but  it was during winter when we dated, and I am a girl who only shaves my legs on the wknds during those cold months...so I really never hung out with him during the week because he just expected too much out of me...I should have saved him for summer I guess...

4. Judgy Bartenders: UGHHH!!!!!  Bartenders who stay sober and judge their customers suck!  Seriously I know it's not really in the job description...but it kinda is!  Even if you think your not judging because your not saying anything...its all in the look!  So What if its $1 tequila night and we throw up $10 and say top me off with a straight (well semi-drunkenly straight) face!  Don't ask "you do know they are only $1-so you'll get 10 shots of tequila, right?"  Uhh!  Ya I know that!  Why do you think I said top us off?!  You don't know us, you don't know what we've been through!  So what if the guys who we are there with (aka, the guys who will be picking us off the ground later) are standing behind us mouthing the word "NO" and waving their hands...They didn't pay, they don't have a say!  Judgy Bouncers piss me off too!  When I am out with all my friends for Senior Night dressed in Mardi Gras beads, 3D glasses, an American Flag Bandanna, and a Black Marshmallow Coat (When its 85 degrees) and a bitch is standing next to me starting a fight..DO NOT escort ME out!  Just calmly ask me to leave and when I ask if I can finish me beer, you BETTER say yes!  

5. Birds.   If you have ever been around me when a bird is near, you know HOW MUCH I actually hate these devilish creatures!  Like, I know you can chirp, but guess what people can scream, but you don't see us screaming constantly!  Anyone who has ever been camping with me knows the lengths I will go to to shut a bird up!  They're annoying and useless!  They are the dumbest animal on the earth!  Ever notice how your driving along, la dee da, and happen to notice like 10 birds on a power line and when you get close they fly away...closer to the ground.  Yea because that's smart....you were safe up in the air-where my car couldn't reach you, but now since you decide to fly right in front of me I will not slow down if you're in my way.  Dumbass Birds!  

Well now that I have thought about all the things I hate and am in an AWESOME mood now...I guess I stop.  Hopefully the next post is better!  Sorry for those of you who made it all the way through! 

Merry Christmas!!!

 Love, Lauren

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6 Years in the Making.

Six years ago...almost to the date, I was an extremely busy 18 year old.  I spent my time going to high school, waitressing at a local, small town pizza joint, driving around with friends and planning my future...thinking back, I really have NO idea how I did it all.  (ya right)  I decided to go to the college of my choice based on Mo, the school mascot-a Mule, so clearly I was destined for greatness.  After meeting with my adviser and looking at course descriptions, a.k.a how much will I really have to work, I decided the 5-year plan was the way to go!  I knew I wanted to have a life outside of the classroom and the only way that was possible was to s-t-r-e-t-c-h it out as long as possible (coulda gone even longer though).  Anyway, while I was busy planning my future I wrote a paper entitled "My Life in 5 Years".  I found that paper the other day when cleaning.  Shit.  Did that make me feel great about my life or what?  The ONLY goal on that list that I had actually accomplished in 5 years was this: "I will own a Jeep Liberty".  Ha!  Considering I purchased The Floating Marshmallow two months after graduation, I essentially accomplished nothing.  Lets focus on what I thought I would get done in 5 years.  This is good!  (Keep in mind in 5 years I would have been 23)

1.) Graduate College and Have a Full Time Teaching Job:  Close but no cigar!  Took me 5 years...and I do not have a full time teaching job, :(  however, I do sub for a great school district almost every day.  Hey!  It's a start!  Yes, as I sub. I spend more time walking around lost, trying to read the map of the school and eating lunch alone then I do actually teaching.  The kids never know my name or my age(One day they think I'm 17, the next I'm 47), they try to get away with way too much, and I never know where I'm working till the day of.  When I actually am in the classroom its a blast and I love it and can't wait to have my own classroom where I rule the school.  

2.) Have My Own Place:  This is my favorite!  Now, I don't think I expected to be living in an awesome mansion that I owned, but I honestly thought I'd be living on my own.  Here is the truth...I live in my moms basement. (I'm a window-less van away from being a Creepy Pete.)  I have a bedroom (no closet), and upgraded to having my own bathroom.  I eat meals and watch T.V. with my roomies (aka my mom and sister).  Many of my friends have their own places and I secretly hate them all.  When they make Facebook statuses or Tweet about all their house hold problems such as, "Ugh...grocery shopping on a Sunday Afternoon.  #Rough"  or "I wish these roofers would hurry up and finish our new roof!"  I'm all over here in my moms basement with the constant problem "I wonder if mom will be pissed if I keep the fan on all night?!"  It's a hard life! 

3.) [Also a good one!] I will either be married or engaged:  HAHAHA!!  I am soooooo far from either of those, I'm surprised I can even choke out the words MARRIED or ENGAGED.  I've basically been single for the WHOLE five years, with the exception of some super awesome fraternity/college guys I would date and hang out with.  None of which ever even got close to even really wanting to spend any time AT ALL, other than Happy Hours together.  I do have a beautiful, shiny, expensive ($20 from Walmart) diamond ring I like to wear and pretend someone actually loves me!  Of course I am not crazy...I know I can only wear the ring when I'm home alone or go somewhere I know I won't run into anyone I know, like Target.  

I came across a few other goals that I didn't get too yet on my list, but I think if I admit those I will feel A LOT worse about my self tonight, and this is only the first day of blogging!  Haha.  Even though I didn't get to most of my goals, at least I have The Floating Marshmallow to ride around in looking for jobs, houses and men!  Here's to the next 5 years!  Maybe I'll check a few milestones off the list by then!  

Love, Lauren  

Hello World!

Sooo....This is my first time blogging...EVER!!    You can probably tell, but I just wanted to clarify that before you started to judge!  :)

 Reading the title of this blog "5 Years to Life...", one might think I was just sentenced to prison or something, however you would be wrong!  I am blogging because at this point in time- my life is NO WHERE, even one the map of where I thought it would be!  Now don't go thinking I hate my life or anything like that!  In fact (even though sometimes I complain) I LOVE my life!  I have great friends, family, a vehicle that will take me wherever, and a roof over my head.  Basically, I after 5 years of college I graduated and can't find a job and am very bored so I hear blogging can take up some time, which is AWESOME!  Who knows, maybe so many people will read and love this blog and I will become famous and get a chance to sit at the Round Table with Chelsea Handler...but I'm not really counting on that happening.  

"5 Years To Life...Living the life I {didn't} dream of" is simply for your entertainment (if anyone even reads it!) and more importantly my entertainment!