1. Antlers, Tails or any other objects used to make vehicles look like an animal: Seriously people, I get that you are a fan of Christmas, but really putting antlers on your window/doors of your vehicle does not make you look any cooler than your mini van already is lookin! For one thing, you do not look like Santa's sleigh...if thats even the look you were going for, shit, I don't know. Because in case you have never seen The Man In Red crusin through the sky...its the Reindeer that actually have the Antlers...and your vehicle in no way even resembles Rudolph so just STOP! Thankfully the antlers only last about a month! I'm probably gonna beat up for this, but there is (almost) nothing I hate more than when I'm driving down Hwy 70 and see little tiger tails hanging out of peoples trunks. Seriously, its disgusting! I am a fan of Mizzou, as well as many other sports teams, such as the STL Cards...but you don't see me with a beak on my hood and red doors on my car now do ya?! Didn't think so! It's called a decal, or even a decorated license plate holder! Having a tail sticking out your trunk is like getting a Tramp Stamp...doesn't do anything for anyone expect for piss the person off who is riding in the rear.....
2. Body Hair: Well ok, it's more getting rid of it that I hate...Like, seriously, who ever thought "oh this hair on my leg, I'm over it...I want it out of my life" Whoever that was, I want to meet her and punch her! And since I was blessed with dark hair, there is no skipping a day because even if its just starting to come back you can STILL see it! Shaving takes way too long and waxing hurts! There is no win! When I was in college, I lived in this apartment and had a bathroom that was like the size of a handicapped stall, so the shower was about a 4th of that! I literally had to learn how be a contortionist just to shave below the knee. Every time I showered my roomies would knock on my door to ask if I was ok, because everything that was in the shower would end up falling, because I would try to hold on to non-stationary things for balance like shampoo, the faucet, the door. I would scream and just start throwing all my shower supplies out of the shower because it was so ridiculous ... SERIOUSLY WHO builds a shower with NO ledge...must of been a man!
3. Men with No Body Hair: Way to make me feel like shit! Now, I'm not saying I want to date a man who resembles chewbacca, but he has to be kinda close. I dated (if thats what you wanna call it) a guy one time who had eyebrows, and hair on his head...thats about it. He just "didn't like hair". I shoulda known this wasn't going to work! He shaved his legs and arms every day. It was weird as shit! He was smoother than anyone I had ever met...including babies. He was really good looking and could drink more than I could, but it was during winter when we dated, and I am a girl who only shaves my legs on the wknds during those cold months...so I really never hung out with him during the week because he just expected too much out of me...I should have saved him for summer I guess...
4. Judgy Bartenders: UGHHH!!!!! Bartenders who stay sober and judge their customers suck! Seriously I know it's not really in the job description...but it kinda is! Even if you think your not judging because your not saying anything...its all in the look! So What if its $1 tequila night and we throw up $10 and say top me off with a straight (well semi-drunkenly straight) face! Don't ask "you do know they are only $1-so you'll get 10 shots of tequila, right?" Uhh! Ya I know that! Why do you think I said top us off?! You don't know us, you don't know what we've been through! So what if the guys who we are there with (aka, the guys who will be picking us off the ground later) are standing behind us mouthing the word "NO" and waving their hands...They didn't pay, they don't have a say! Judgy Bouncers piss me off too! When I am out with all my friends for Senior Night dressed in Mardi Gras beads, 3D glasses, an American Flag Bandanna, and a Black Marshmallow Coat (When its 85 degrees) and a bitch is standing next to me starting a fight..DO NOT escort ME out! Just calmly ask me to leave and when I ask if I can finish me beer, you BETTER say yes!
5. Birds. If you have ever been around me when a bird is near, you know HOW MUCH I actually hate these devilish creatures! Like, I know you can chirp, but guess what people can scream, but you don't see us screaming constantly! Anyone who has ever been camping with me knows the lengths I will go to to shut a bird up! They're annoying and useless! They are the dumbest animal on the earth! Ever notice how your driving along, la dee da, and happen to notice like 10 birds on a power line and when you get close they fly away...closer to the ground. Yea because that's smart....you were safe up in the air-where my car couldn't reach you, but now since you decide to fly right in front of me I will not slow down if you're in my way. Dumbass Birds!
Well now that I have thought about all the things I hate and am in an AWESOME mood now...I guess I stop. Hopefully the next post is better! Sorry for those of you who made it all the way through!
Merry Christmas!!!
Love, Lauren
Don't Forget to Comment and Subscribe! :)
Amazing, especially the judgey bartenders. Where do they get off judging, they are making money, arent they?! Plus, its free entertainment for them.
ReplyDeleteAlso, have to agree with the first one. Even they guys who have balls hanging from the hitch, we get it, you're a guy, and you have balls. But why must you try and make your truck a man, maybe it is a girl, and last i checked, girls dont have balls, correct me if i am wrong. But for real, i dont need to see metal balls, and how am i suppose to explain that to little kids?! Grow up, we are not in high school!
The bird issue, is something your on your own about! I mean, they are annoying, yes...but I guess i dont feel the firey hate you do! Although, now that you mention it, i have been sitting with you and out of the blue you scream... just pointing that out.
THis was a great blog, kept me laughing at work. Thats hard to do! haha especially the shower part! and shaving!
:) I'm glad you enjoyed it! I figured you might like the judgey bartender party! ;) As I was writing the blog, I kept thinking about how much you would know exactly what I was talking about for most of it! :)
ReplyDeleteWhy aren't you subscribed?!?!
Literally laughed so hard I was crying. Was I there for senior night I think I was but maybe I wasn't who knows haha..
ReplyDelete